cymbaljack

• The consumption, by humans, of celery shall be strictly prohibited. Attempts to cause humans to consume celery, such as by including it in soups or fried rice, shall be subject to even more severe penalties. I remain convinced that God continually watches us, saying, "I can't believe they're eating celery." Yes, celery is edible. So is paper, but to date, no one has tried to list it as an ingredient in a canned soup.
• Musac will be banned for any kind of "broadcast." Stores that want to provide a musac experience, and especially one involving Christmas songs, will have to offer headsets for those patrons who actually want to hear the stuff. (These patrons will be noted and watched for other signs of mental illness.)
• Any member of the Kansas City Chiefs defensive squad who blows a tackle will be sentenced to two months' service as valet and errand-boy for my father, who deserves some kind of payment for being a loyal fan.
• Naturally, the landscape of television will be changed quite radically. For starters, Joss Whedon will be given his own network to do with as he wishes. Any broadcast hours he cannot personally fill will be assigned by him to someone he trusts who has a good idea.
• If Whedon gets tired of TV, he will be instructed to join forces with Peter Jackson in order to create the Ultimate Movie Of All Time.
• Everyone involved in the creation of all the non-Spiderman Marvel movies will be charged with crimes against humanity.

Now it may seem at first glance like I would not make a very good dictator. In fact, some might argue that I would obviously be just another power-mad tyrant driven by my whims. And that is probably true. But for the record, if I decided to spy on the people I ruled, I would just declare that spying would henceforth be happening. I would not attempt to justify it based on some kind of self-contradictory claim of "defending" the people I was spying on from "enemies of liberty."

And I would never make any claim that I was always right and my detractors were always wrong, or were disloyal or unpatriotic. My position would be, "Of course I am wrong, but you cannot stop me." That is the only reasonable and honest position the emperor of the world can take.

I am counting on that refreshing honesty to keep the public off-balance for at least a year or two, giving me plenty of time to prepare to put down the inevitable uprisings.

# posted by Carl @ 11:51 AM